One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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