Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
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The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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