Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
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