Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
