i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The adults are the big ones right?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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