I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
