i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Randomize
