I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
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i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
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Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.