I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
