My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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