I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
