I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
