How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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