I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We need to get me chipped asap
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
