When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
