I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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