Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
