I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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