guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
