my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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