Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There's always time for handjobs
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
