dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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