ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Fuck appropriateness.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
