just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
