Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
