I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
