WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
