I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
