Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
