I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
