So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
