my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
