Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
