OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
