Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
