I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
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The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
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Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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