She's JV to your varsity
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You made out with two different species that night
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
