You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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