Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
