We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
