If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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