i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
