my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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