I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
