well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
