You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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