I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
