I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
