I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
