I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
