were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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