woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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