1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
