I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
