hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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