Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
