Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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