I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
