I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
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my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
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I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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