Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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